As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
