I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
And my parents said I crawled through the house
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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