I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
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