i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
