is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
