Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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