i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
