I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
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my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
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So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
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