Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
