making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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