I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
