so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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