her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
