Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
