textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
