Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
