please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
She needs sedatives and a leash
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
