it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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