I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Randomize
