can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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