You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
