Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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