You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I think my fart just growled at me.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
