woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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