The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Randomize
