Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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