Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
