There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
