Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
