She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
