you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
