she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Randomize
