Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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