Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
