You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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