Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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