my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
