fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
