Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Randomize
