It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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