I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
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