I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
He has the fingertips of a God
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