I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
