I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
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