so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Randomize
