doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
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