she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
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