I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I need moral support for this bender
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Randomize
