You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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