Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
