using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
