im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
no you cant smoke seaweed
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Randomize
