Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
