Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
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