Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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