Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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