New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
He felt like a one man threesome
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
