just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
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The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
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The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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