if i can run in heels then i can drive
I love having hate sex.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
