New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
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